We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
pizza
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”