@sixfootcandy: Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
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@Parkerlawyer: "I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside." -Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do? Him: Just flush him down the toilet Me: Gotcha. And the fish?