@KevinFarzad: Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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@murrman5: [roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you "why not" why would you "it'll be fine" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
@blade_funner: Me: It's ok if they stay a little damp Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote! HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote ME: Funny story! This one time—
@pleatedjeans: Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning