@KevinFarzad: Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.
@DamienFahey: 70% of the Earth's surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
@aPunch2theJunk: Ladies: If a man approaches you and he's wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still. Their vision is based off movement.