Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.