@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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@Reverend_Scott: [God creating cats] God: people will wanna hug 'em, but they usually won't want you to
@PhilJamesson: [both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
@Izianikapani: Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
@usermcuserface: I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this.