Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.