Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave