Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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My inexpensive home security system…
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
FRED: right
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you