Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]