Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Don’t tell me what to do
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?