Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte