Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.