Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You Might Also Like
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
The struggle is real.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?