not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?