not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]