@piranhapanorama: Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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@carlyken: [interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
@sofarrsogud: ON PHONE WITH MY MOM HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family? ME: *proudly* No I am not! *high fives my pet penguin
@hammbone84: Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
@Togsbabble: My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues... but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the "what is this shit" look.