@piranhapanorama: Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
@WilliamAder: Me: This "Fear the Walking Dead" show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
@turtledumplin: Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?