Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Seems a bit forward
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?