Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
my dog when i have a friend over
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.