Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
May never get over this
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.