Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
i love modern commerce
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.