Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow