@CornerPubRon: Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@TellingTellers: An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.

@Douchekevin: At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today

@driverminnie: Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend's Mum had become a man: "You can do that?""Yes""Then I wanna be a dragon"