My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Festive toon…
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.