Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”