Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
This one’s “Alex”.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?