Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower