Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.