Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
You Might Also Like
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
There’s no “us” in nachos.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something