“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
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repaired
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.