Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
lol