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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
eggs benadryl
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
That’s classic.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.