Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.