Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ouch
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.