Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.