Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Planet of the Apps.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.