Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick