some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
These are my roll models.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now