My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
get you a girl who
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
my favorite genre of twitter
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)