Note to self: I am a note
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”