[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
You Might Also Like
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I mean…but I did
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I’ve had relationships like this
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.