@KeetPotato: [at my date's front door] wait, so you've known i was a koala the whole time? "yeah" [me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf] how tho?

@Carbosly: Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him? Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts. Mine has been gone 5 months.

@KalvinMacleod: Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine

@Try2StopME: 99% of my socks are single. You don't see them crying about it.

@MariyaAlexander: My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff