Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@jordan_stratton: Note to Self: In future interviews, don't say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
1 comments

COMMENTS

YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30 ROOMBA: No wait- [45 minutes later] ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

1

@kelkulus: Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

68

@angibangie: *Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

1

@Just_Beachy72: I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

1

@AndrewNadeau0: LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything. DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

1
↑