Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.