Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.