I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
This is not me but this is me
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
He took my last fry, your honor
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.