[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
You Might Also Like
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.