@weinerdog4life: Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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@SCbchbum: I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
@iamspacegirl: FISHING TRIP Joseph *casting his line*: Son, your mother thinks it's time I tell you- You're agodpted. Jesus *runs across the lake crying*
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I could care less! Me: How much less could you care? Coworker: I don't get it. Me: I noticed.
@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.