@weinerdog4life: Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
@icrushedmyhalo: Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.