I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.