Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job