Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
me 2 months after i graduated
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Terribly Tuesday.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.