Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
PARKOUR
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?