Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
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I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.