Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The sacred texts.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?